Make Yourself Stronger than Your Memory
If you have been sexually abused and are trying to come to terms with what happened to you, this page is for you. In fact this link is for anyone who is interested in finding out who they are, what makes them tick, why they are here. I do not have the answers but I have found someone who does. Her name is Shri Mataji.
In meditation I have learnt how to enjoy the present. I am not this future. I am not this past. For someone who was sexually abused and raped between the approximate ages of three to five, this is a huge revelation. I still see residual images of what I used to see when my father was abusing me every time I close my eyes, even for meditation. But I also feel the stillness of the spirit and the love of the Divine supporting me as I go beyond what happened to me.
You are not alone. You do not have to suffer any more. Get your connection with your spirit. Feel the vibrations of love that manifest physically on your central nervous system in the form of a cool or warm breeze over your head and hands. Feel the stillness of thoughtless awareness. Are you ready for your Self-Realization? All you need is to want it. The All-Pervading Power of Creation will do the rest.
So ask yourself what you want. Do you want to be free? Do you want to be rid of this legacy? Do you want to move on? Do you want to identify with the spirit and not the abuse? What happened to you as a child changed you irrevocably. There was no choice then but there is now. There is a way you can face what needs to be faced but not let the anger eat you up inside. There’s a way you can process the damage to your subtle system and rehabilitate yourself, healing the hurt from within. There’s a way you can relax and enjoy, grounded in thoughtless awareness, grounded in the present.
That way is called Sahaja Yoga, founded in 1970 by Shri Mataji Nirmala Devi and now available in over 80 countries in the world. As a result of Sahaja Yoga meditation, everything comes into balance. For someone with significant trauma in their past, this means letting go of layers of confused emotions and memories. You can stake a claim to the innocence and self-respect that has been shrouded by your horrific experiences; shrouded but not destroyed.
If you are interested right now about how you can get your connection, please click here.
If you would like to know more about my personal story, please read on.
Madhavi
(a British educator working in HK )
19. 11. 2006
My story:
When I started meditating in 1992, the depths of the abuse were unknown to me. All I knew was my teenage years had not been okay. I had a few memories of abuse as a young child but they were not in focus. I could not have born this at this time. Instead, the connection with spirit began to shift the effects of years of emotional and ‘mild’ sexual abuse sustained as a teenager, memories of which had never been suppressed. The mothering energy of Kundalini started working on cleaning my energy centres ever so gently, step by step.
After my marriage to a wonderful (non-meditating) guy, things really started coming to the surface. At this time, my father started groping me explicitly once more and as adult, with adult understanding, I knew this was not okay. I went into meditation until I felt confident and protected and then I rang him. I confronted him for the first time with his current inappropriate sexual behaviour towards me. Shortly afterwards I moved to Hong Kong.
When a child experiences severe trauma in the formative years, the brain suppresses those memories and allows them to surface in later life, usually in the early thirties. I was in meditation when I finally faced the truth. Something had happened which triggered a horrifically traumatic sexual memory of my dad. However, the shock was too strong and my brain shut it away again immediately. The next morning, with no recollection, I settled down to meditate. The vibrations (cool breeze) were very strong, much stronger than usual, and I went straight into thoughtless awareness, the state where we grow spiritually. There was no thinking, no worrying, nothing except the silence of the spirit.
In this state, suddenly I remembered what had happened the day before. I remembered what had happened all those years before. I could feel and see and smell and I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, what had taken place and with whom. The vibrations poured out of my left swadisthan (the chakra for pure knowledge at the left hip). They continued flowing over and over the left side, pouring out of my head until I was lost in the bliss of meditation as the kundalini took me deep enough into the spirit for me to witness what I was remembering.
Finally I understood. Like pieces of a jigsaw, everything fell into place. Suppressed memories, things that had surfaced previously that I hadn’t understood and memories I had never forgotten but just hadn’t seen in context. It all made sense. The biggest realization was that I was not guilty. All the years I had assumed responsibility for attracting such unwanted attention from my dad were based on a myth. There was nothing I had done, nothing I did to deserve such attention from him. None of it was my fault and it was not my responsibility. The memories kept flashing up but the vibrations sustained me. It was simultaneously the most powerful meditation and (at that time) the most traumatic memory of my life. I could not talk about it to anyone, not even my husband, for about a week: everything in its own time.
That was three years ago. Since then I have remembered more and more. It can be tough: I have felt all the emotions of that hurt, scared and confused three year old but at every stage those emotions have to drop out. Like layers of an onion, Mother is peeling away the layers of my abuse.
Meditation and the family that has been given to me in other people who have found Shri Mataji is enabling me to let the past go and move on to a future without fear. The connection with the spirit creates a silence within that makes it possible to face my past and not let it dictate my responses to things happening in my present. It’s a process but I am not alone.
People say forget the past and this is true. But only someone who has been abused will understand that dealing with the present is an issue too. Every step of the way Shri Mataji has helped me. Sahaja Yoga has helped me. Other yogis and yoginis have helped me. And I have helped me. It may take a while, but it’s shifting, slowly but surely. Now I don’t feel like I’m a victim. I am an innocent, beautiful person inside who no longer feels like vomit. I am the spirit.
My sister has felt the cool breeze but chooses not to meditate. In her words, she is not ready to let go of her anger. It’s a choice. I chose differently. I have done extensive therapy but combined it with Sahaja Yoga. This has given me the strength of spirit to face my memories and confront my father, firstly by phone, then by letter (after the experience related above) and finally in person.
My motivation in writing this account is not from a need to share my story as a means to closure. I have been through those stages. I just want other people to know that there’s a way they can make themselves stronger than their memory. If one person stumbles on this page and feels the cool breeze as a result, then it’s enough. There’s always the chance that person could be you.
Madhavi
19. 11. 2006
The Joy of Kundalini Awakening - Collective Memories of Hongkong Sahaja Yogis